“Not my will, but yours, be done.” These words from Luke’s gospel have become almost a mantra to me over the last couple of years. They are words that I whole-heartedly want to live my life by. I reflect on comments from previous post, and think to myself that if we believe, what we believe, then we will want our life to reflect the will of the creator of the universe. To not want to live the life that God has for me would be ridiculous. And yet as ever actually living the words that come out of our mouths is so much harder, then just verbalising these actions.
Tomorrow I go off to spend three days with a bunch of ladies and gentleman who will have a profound impact on my life. They will decide whether I am to go forward for training within the Church of England. They will try and discern Gods will in my life. Over the last two years that this process has been slowly moving forward, I have developed a trust in the process, but I still sit here thinking that it must be a daunting task to those advisors on the panel. Most of my discernment of Gods will in my life is based around a mixture of prayer and confirmation, which involves extended periods of time. These poor people have to make recommendations based upon information provided ahead of time, as well as observation and pray over three days or so. And at the end of it all Gods will for my life will be discerned, or at least our best understanding of His will. I am thankful that they have considerable experience in doing so.
Obviously to have gone this far means I do believe it is Gods will in my life to move forward into this training. However more then wanting to be right, I do want my life to reflect his will. I can think of no more miserable a place to be, then to be a leader within Gods church who is not supposed to be there. Miserable for that leader, miserable for those they lead, miserable for God to watch. With that in mind, I can wholeheartedly say if at the end of this month the advisors come back with an answer of “no” I shall rejoice in knowing that they have made the best decision they can. I would of course be disappointed, confused and probably question my understanding of Gods will. I will need to deal with that scenario if it occurs, but that said a “yes” wouldn’t be simple either. Three years of training whilst holding down a full time contract would not be easy. If the result is the one I hope it will be, I believe that my limited study over the last couple of years at St Johns would have prepared me a little for that.
This has probably be the least constructed post I have ever put up here, and is more of brain dump then a reflection. I did say I would post if something relevant occurred and this next few days is certainly relevant. Writing this has helped me verbalise some of my thoughts and I am sure more will come out in my journal over the next couple of weeks. I really do believe that it is right for me to move forward and that God has brought me this far. So if you pray please do pray for me, for the advisors, and for Gods will to be done in our lives, and the ability for us to understand what that is, and to accept it.